If I Had Legs I’d Kick You (2025) is written & directed by Mary Bronstein. It stars Rose Byrne, Conan O’Brien, Delaney Quinn, A$AP Rocky, Danielle Macdonald, Mary Bronstein, Ivy Wolk, Christian Slater, and Mark Stolzenberg. The film follows Linda (Byrne), a therapist on the verge of a psychological breakdown after multiple facets of her life begin to spiral out of control. Forced to juggle her young daughter’s mysterious illness, an absent husband, and a missing therapy client, Linda turns to her own longtime therapist (O’Brien), but even he seems to only provoke further anxiety. Can Linda get ahold of herself before it’s too late, or is this just the beginning on inevitable end?

The film has its share of flaws and isn’t always particularly enjoyable, but it’s tough to complain about the central performances. Byrne’s committed, unfiltered lead turn is the film’s main attraction. She authentically portrays a parent who’s completely fed up with her child yet unconditionally loves them. It’s a complicated mix that she absolutely nails, safely earning her best actress nomination at this year’s Academy Awards. That being said, Byrne’s American accent is a bit spotty here. For example, I can’t think of a single natural-born American citizen who says “January Twenty” instead of “January Twentieth.” 

Although this is mostly an uncomfortable exercise in gaslighting its main character and severely stressing out the viewer, the film works best when it finds ways to inject some dark humor into its various nightmare scenarios. These scenes mostly revolve around Linda’s increasingly combative relationship with her therapist, played by Conan O’Brien. As such a skilled comedian, O’Brien gives his scenes just enough subtle, deadpan humor to perfectly balance the overwhelming anxiety of Linda’s situation. The interactions between O’Brien and Byrne are easily the film’s best scenes, so it’s ultimately disappointing that there aren’t more of them, let alone a satisfying conclusion to their subplot. 

I think the film’s central message, about the dangers of not taking responsibility for one’s life/actions, is explored in a complex way. Linda is forced to learn that shifting blame, whether she’s right or not, is a dead-end road. Sure, everyone treats her like an asshole, but that doesn’t mean they’re the source of her issues; they’re just easy targets. This applies to her relationship with her daughter, whom she unintentionally treats and sees as the source of her dwindling mental state. Bronstein intentionally chooses never to show the daughter’s face, making it clear that Linda sees her only as a machine for creating more stress. Through Linda’s eyes, her daughter is essentially the most unbearable, neurotic, and spoiled child in cinema history. It’s only in the film’s climax that Linda realizes her mistakes and, for the first time, both she and the audience see her daughter’s face, finally presented as a human being. It also just makes a lot of sense, on a practical level, to spare the young actress playing Linda’s daughter from having her face forever associated with one of the most annoying child characters of the last 20 years. 

Overall, this is a difficult, anxiety-fueled “I’m breaking down” movie that’s often a bit too dark and grounded to be the nightmare comedy it clearly aims to be. It’s all often too real and unpleasant to actually make the viewer laugh. However, the few scenes involving Conan O’Brien provide a few juicy flashes of what could’ve been. Anyone who understands the stress and anxiety that come with being a mother will most likely connect with the film more than I. However, even if you can’t connect with it on that level, Rose Byrne’s performance makes the film worth watching if you appreciate strong performances. There’s a lot of quality on display here, but it’s just not a particularly enjoyable experience. For me, this is more terrifying than most horror films, but without any of the genre’s thrills. C+